Being the fat guy

I'm a fat guy. I've known that for quite a while.

Being 6ft 4inches and 345lbs and calling yourself "husky" is a kind of self denial I have too much dignity to allow.

But I'm not the average fat guy. I'm pretty active. Lifting and martial arts. Playing football and basketball before that. I like to move. I need to move. However, I can't do it as much as I want to anymore. It leaves a hole.

Taking classes to learn how to weld is great, and fun, and fulfilling. It's also taking up 3 days of my week that would be used to lift or kick in Cuong Nhu. Those are three days I used to...clean the slate.

People who like to lift don't just like it for the muscles. Go to any gym and see a bunch of regulars that aren't Mr. Olympia material. They go every day and have to go every day, because they NEED it. It helps them keep something. Without it that thing is harder to hold.

I'm gonna bet money that the something they would loose is their sanity.

I may wax poetic. I don't know how those strong shots of Canadian Whiskey were.

The bar and the plates are like sponges for me. At the end of any number of days where I keep my cool, keep a straight face, help people who may be ungrateful  or hateful or even stupid I have a well spring of anger and frustration that gets built up inside.

It has no place to go unless I grab a sponge to squeeze. It just so happen the sponge is made of steel. As opposed to being made of...sponge?

Unless I grip a bar and expend some actual...strength some actual power...that negativity stays inside. It marinates so long that it can sour a soul. I can become bitter and filled with angst. I become bad company for my fiancé. I am less willing to deal with and even communicate with people.

I hate humanity to make a long story short.

But the human mind reaches out in different directions to try and heal itself. I cannot find my release one way, I stumble upon another.

Food.

Frigging food.

The fat guy who's fat despite having a period where he would go running three days a week, lifting more than that and is strong enough to either deadlift 500lbs or to lift himself off the ground on a pullup bar...THAT GUY is turning to food to relax? And he can't workout as much as he wants while he adds MORE calories?

For fucks sake that is not gonna work.

I don't want to be this big my whole life. That ain't the goal. The goal is dropping another 30 lbs and going from there.

I'll need discipline.

Which sounds...depressing as all get out.

I spend most of my days being disciplined. I keep my tone even and my face straight. I ignore slights and snubs. I work my way through potentially awkward situations on a daily basis.

That was so mentally fatiguing that I NEEDED the weights. Now I don't have the weights and I still have to keep the discipline. And on top of that I need MORE discipline to stop from stuffing my fat face.

There's a part of me that is angry just typing that.

I'll have to use that anger.

Can you turn anger into discipline?

Reckon it's worth a try.