Being the fat guy

I'm a fat guy. I've known that for quite a while.

Being 6ft 4inches and 345lbs and calling yourself "husky" is a kind of self denial I have too much dignity to allow.

But I'm not the average fat guy. I'm pretty active. Lifting and martial arts. Playing football and basketball before that. I like to move. I need to move. However, I can't do it as much as I want to anymore. It leaves a hole.

Taking classes to learn how to weld is great, and fun, and fulfilling. It's also taking up 3 days of my week that would be used to lift or kick in Cuong Nhu. Those are three days I used to...clean the slate.

People who like to lift don't just like it for the muscles. Go to any gym and see a bunch of regulars that aren't Mr. Olympia material. They go every day and have to go every day, because they NEED it. It helps them keep something. Without it that thing is harder to hold.

I'm gonna bet money that the something they would loose is their sanity.

I may wax poetic. I don't know how those strong shots of Canadian Whiskey were.

The bar and the plates are like sponges for me. At the end of any number of days where I keep my cool, keep a straight face, help people who may be ungrateful  or hateful or even stupid I have a well spring of anger and frustration that gets built up inside.

It has no place to go unless I grab a sponge to squeeze. It just so happen the sponge is made of steel. As opposed to being made of...sponge?

Unless I grip a bar and expend some actual...strength some actual power...that negativity stays inside. It marinates so long that it can sour a soul. I can become bitter and filled with angst. I become bad company for my fiancé. I am less willing to deal with and even communicate with people.

I hate humanity to make a long story short.

But the human mind reaches out in different directions to try and heal itself. I cannot find my release one way, I stumble upon another.

Food.

Frigging food.

The fat guy who's fat despite having a period where he would go running three days a week, lifting more than that and is strong enough to either deadlift 500lbs or to lift himself off the ground on a pullup bar...THAT GUY is turning to food to relax? And he can't workout as much as he wants while he adds MORE calories?

For fucks sake that is not gonna work.

I don't want to be this big my whole life. That ain't the goal. The goal is dropping another 30 lbs and going from there.

I'll need discipline.

Which sounds...depressing as all get out.

I spend most of my days being disciplined. I keep my tone even and my face straight. I ignore slights and snubs. I work my way through potentially awkward situations on a daily basis.

That was so mentally fatiguing that I NEEDED the weights. Now I don't have the weights and I still have to keep the discipline. And on top of that I need MORE discipline to stop from stuffing my fat face.

There's a part of me that is angry just typing that.

I'll have to use that anger.

Can you turn anger into discipline?

Reckon it's worth a try.

Anger has its place.

There is a time for peace and a time for war...you get the idea.

Seems like my time to be angry lasted three months too long.

I have a great deal to be thankful for. My girlfriend and mom are in good health. They love me and I love them. I have a job, a roof, and clothes.

But when you are so mind numbingly frustrated, it becomes hard to take stock of all that.

I do want a better job, more money, a car, and a city that actually wanted to fix itself rather than put on a face. But being angry about it does no more than stress everyone out and leave me feeling sick and tired.

I still want those things, I want them badly, but I have to be patient. This is the first time the "want" for something was ever this bad. Yet, there needs to be an understanding...a logical look a the things that bother me. There are the things I want and can get vs. The things I want and have no control over. It requires some introspection to figure it out. And once figuring out, being able to accept it.

Patience is easy when you don't want anything.

Reckon that's why it's a virtue.

So now I'm in the South.

It's been a year since I wrote anything down...so let's recap.

- Got work as a bouncer, which was good money and fun. However I found myself falling in love with the party lifestyle...not that that lifestyle is bad, but it wasn't me.

- Moved to North Carolina. Charlotte actually. The Queen City, where ye queen has apparently left the management of her kingdom to a bunch of morons.

And here we are.

As you can see I'm having a great deal of fun. And by fun I mean I fight daily to control my anger like Bruce Banner . Only Ive got nowhere near the conditioning to destroy a whole city. Maybe a house...or a shanty.

No city is perfect. Not NYC, not L.A. Not even Honolulu. But at the very least those cities can boast some kind of identity. They are good at something and stick with.

Charlotte seems confused. And that confusion seeps into everything it does.

Charlotte wishes to be a big city, but hasn't yet understood that to be a big city, you need people. There are not enough of them here. There are dozens of construction sites each a few miles away from empty or disheveled houses that seem to be misused if used at all. Don't get me wrong, there are a number of parts of Charlotte that boast stunning homes and expensive neighborhoods. But they seem so exclusive that few would live there except the already well off.

You don't come here to make a fortune you come here after you've gotten it. That's very limiting.

And even were people to migrate here in large numbers, there is no place to go and now way to get around. You can get to other parts of NC pretty easily, interstate highways surround the city. Get in 85, and you can get to Virginia or Georgia in half a day.

But to move around IN Charlotte? You might as well clog a toilet and flush...just to see what happens.

There is more. Soooo much more, and I will write it.

Helps with the rage.

Carry on.

The Law of Averages

When starting a new profession most people are expected to go through an adjustment period. A time where you feel your way around the workplace, getting used to co-workers, managers, and which vending machine won't take your money. I've been bouncing for about five months now, so I figured, my adjustment period was near over.

I mean, I've had to deal with a few fights, a couple of women who don't know how to act. Some dudes that don't know a thing about an actual fist fight. I would have given myself a B for my own performance. I still have things to work on. Like a real good scowl, or being more...assertive. The nice guy isn't giving up without a fight, which is a part of the irony that makes up my life. But I got to a point where I felt...used to it. I figured things where gonna be, on the norm, smooth sailing.

Epic fail on that assumption.

I'm thinking the adjustment period, for someone in my profession is ongoing. Why? Because you will see something different every single night. That's not me being cliche, that's me being very literal.

Alcohol + Pretty Women + Men with something to prove = A clusterf**k of madness every time the sun goes down.

I can't get too comfortable. You get embarrassed when you get comfortable. It's something to remember next time I get myself ready to go to work.

I have maybe another hour to think/pray on this, and it's time to move on to the next thing.

Taxes.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Carry on

Where in the hell have I been?!?

Well, the same place I've always been. Being a lazy bum.

Well not exactly, I was waiting to buy this here fancy shmancy laptop.

Took me a few months and some savvy budgeting by my lady Sylvia. But I got myself one. Which opens me up for some awesome writing.

And by awesome I mean somewhat above average.

Since the last time I wrote, I started being a bouncer on a regular basis. A job many told me to undertake in my college days. I didn't primarily because I am not, nor do I want to be a violent person. Not every dude over six feet has an urge to smash things for the fun of it.

Little did I know, bouncing, if done right, has little to do with violence.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when the run of the mill moron decides that, after three beers, he wants to harass everyone with a dress on. He needs to be put in his place.

But at our best, bouncers are facilitators. We make sure that those who are here to have fun, have that fun. Safely, and respectfully. You wanna dance, sure, but if you can't stay upright while doing the running man, we're gonna send you home. Not because we don't want a good laugh, but because you may fall, and get a severe concussion. Concussions aren't good. Ask the NFL.

Doing this job for the past few months has opened my eyes to a part of society I was never really familiar with. The party scene. I don't party. Some call me boring, I call me...well...boring. Still, this is my new workplace, and I will learn it, and share what I learn.

This should be fun. Except for the parts where a girl pukes in her hand and holds it.

Carry on.

Passing the hot potato

It's been a couple days since the tragic shooting in Arizona, and some parts of America seem to be moving on. Even as I write this the BCS National Championship game is being played in the same state. It can always be said Americans know how to move on (though sometimes, I wonder, do we move on too quickly?) Still, the tragedy lingers on people's minds, mostly those who spend most of their days in political circles. And while many people spend at least five minutes giving condolences, they spend the next 55 or so trying to pass the blame.

Because that worked out so well before.

It is fair to bring up Sarah Palin's website antics. Leaving gun-sights on states you want to take over can send the wrong message. But it does not stop there.

It seems as if for years now people have been unwilling to actually have a conversation. Sure, they'll tell you what they think, but the second you open your mouth, they shout you down. It's like everyone's an angry girlfriend with turrets syndrome. One second you're an American, next thing you're a fascist, or a communist, or a Tea bagger, or a leftist.

They start out as insults, but as is want to happen, people take those names and make them something else, something to be proud of. They take it and make it a nickname, a label, a rallying point.

Last I checked, I was just some dude in front of a computer, I'd never want a label on how I think. That would limit me.

Which I think has happened to a lot of people. They are so hell bent on being something that they are forced to stop their own thought process. If someone with their label has a somewhat odd opinion, then you have to back them up. Why? Because you must have a unified front, stand tall, say it with ya chest. Even if what you're saying, you might not actually mean.

If a conversation is a route on the 3 train, then most folks brains only go two stops.

After that it's a log jam. And all we're left with are arguments and name calling.

Maybe everyone needs to go back to their corner, sit down, and think about what THEY stand for. Not their group, or their sect, or their gang, or clan, or political party. What do YOU stand for.

That's all that matters really, all else is dross.

A gun goes off in Arizona

On a day when football is supposed to be the foremost thought in America's mind, a gun goes off and takes the life of a few public officials in Arizona. Allegedly, a 22 year old walked up to Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, a Senator who was spending her Saturday afternoon trying to get close to the people, and shot her in the head. In broad daylight. Thankfully she survived, but 9-year-old Christine Taylor Greene and Federal Judge John Roll (along with four others) were not so lucky. Once the major news networks got a hold of the story, you learn somethings about the gunman, and, sadly our current state as a nation.

He's a weedhead, he's a loner, he had weird ideas. You know, the usual litany of things you hear about a guy from the mid west who'll spend a good day plotting the killing of an elected official, or mailing out bombs just for a good chuckle.

But one other thing came out, something that caught my eye.

According to the County Sheriff, the young disturbed lad went on his killing spree due to the "vitriol" and anger that is tearing the nation apart. And given the way politicians have been going at each other for the past few months, I don't blame him for making the connection.

We have Democrats, Republicans, extreme left wing and the Tea Party. There are so many different opinions and so many angry people on all sides that you wondered for sometime when the first shoe would drop. I mean sure, Sarah Palin had a website that placed gunsights on the states where politicians she didn't approve of lived and worked, but, you know, it's Sarah Palin, who's gonna take that seriously?

Right?

There were gang wars in the 90's that didn't take the national stage the way these political turf wars have.

That's all kinds of scary.

On the one hand, if everyone is arguing, then nothing gets done. Something people have considered an issue for ohh about 8 years now. But never has that fact hit so close to home.

We've been good at making war. We could make a 90 minute instructional video about it staring a guy with six pack abs and a fake smile. And while all great nations at some point have to make war, but given the amount of energy we've expended on recent wars and conflicts, conflicts of dubious origins, you had to wonder when we'd start making war on ourselves.

A look at history shows that every empire has a level of decline, a time when internal strife makes it easy for some outside force to topple them from the top of the mountain. But, given the fact that no other country seems hell bent on world domination, I think we're safe for now.

That leaves my other concern.

History has also shown that in times of decline, some empires decide to become totally insular. The Ottomans at one time were at the head of science and architecture, now...you get an ottoman from Sears during the winter sale. Egypt dominated lands as far as the eyes could see. Then they got comfortable, lazy and ignorant. A few centuries later and you have a slave trade and crimes against humanity that still resonate.

And let us not forget, Rome. Rome was the IT nation, everyone wanted to be Roman. People went to Rome for protection, trade, and philosophy. Then the Romans figured they knew it all, argued amongst themselves, forgot about the goths outside their walls and BAM...the Dark ages.

Are we headed for an American Dark Age? Are we going to a place where you don't know where the next meal is coming from, or the next crime, or the next law holding you in place? I mean if all these different viewpoints are drawing us in too many directions, and if the best course of action seems to be just have one viewpoint and stick with it (cause well, if we all agree, then no one gets to argue), then wont we stop thinking, and learning, and all those OTHER things Americans should be good at?

I might be reaching, but I'm a fan of civil liberties. I hope for the continued life of the Arizona representative. I also hope for the continued liberty to have, and argue my own opinion.

We just need to get rid of the loudmouths. That is something Obama can do nothing about. You can't legislate human nature, so what the hell do you do?

I'm thinking...